Don’t show this to your fiancee
“What do the lace and the celadon green boutonnières, the damask tablecloths and finger food, and all those champagne bubbles have to do with marriage?”
In an article for The Cresset, Lauren Winner writes of the confused logic of the modern wedding. The problem with modern weddings is not the fact that they are celebrations. The problem is with how they are celebrated. Weddings are glamorous fantasies. But what marriage is glamorous? There is a serious disjuncture between weddings and the marriages they make. Winner writes that her marriage is complicated and hard, realities which weddings conveniently ignore.
Winner’s insight is not unique, nor are the characteristics of modern weddings. In fourth century Antioch, John Chrysostom wrote sermons chastising his flock for having weddings that were not windows into their marriages:
“For marriage is a bond, a bond ordained by God. Why then do you celebrate weddings in a silly or immodest manner? Have you no idea what you are doing? You are marrying … for the procreation of children and for moderation of life; what is the meaning of these drunken parties with their lewd and disgraceful behaviors? You can enjoy a banquet with your friends to celebrate your marriage; I do not forbid this, but why must you introduce all these excesses? … Is marriage a comedy? It is a mystery, an image of something far greater.”
“There is a serious disjuncture between weddings and the marriages they make”
This is the case with most things isn’t it: the ideal vs the reality? It’s not the celebration’s fault that marriages don’t work, so why board up what good there is to be had in the world? (I’m not justifying sinful partying).
Seeing as how there is so much grief and hardship in life, where on earth is the logic or profit in removing one, potentially pure, occasion for joy?
I just don’t see too much strength in the suggestion being made regarding the kind of connection that should exist between the celebration and the subsequent responsibility before God — the same logic leads to this conclusion: don’t celebrate births, as this baby is going to go on to sin and that is abominable.
However, if anything needs to change in this equation, to fill some sort of need for consistency and relation, it’s marriage! Don’t cut the festivities – just don’t suck at being married. This should be our focus. Throw a blow out party and LIVE UP TO IT. In doing this, in succeeding at marriage, I’m almost certain there will be MORE celebrations you’ll have to contend with.
Don’t show THIS to your fiancee
As the fiancee of the author of this post and also as a co reader of the above mentioned article I’d like to add a few things.
An image that the author used that was especially illustrative of her point was that of a veil. She noted that brides often see their wedding day through a romantic lens of tulle. She states that while ideas of princesses and fairy tales often are in the foreground of the wedding day, the realities of the commitment being made are pushed to the back in favour of these happier, lighter thoughts. It is suggested that the focus of the day is misplaced. Firstly, that one must enter upon this day (as the BCP puts it ) soberly–without the tulleover the eyes– recognizing the depths of what is going on. Secondly, that the emphasis has been placed too heavily on the reception and not enough on the ceremony. Weddings, she implies, have become about the party and not about the marriage. Indeed, some brides plan weddings with the mindset that they will ‘never throw a party like this again’.
How then do we refocus the modern wedding without increasing the ceremony in length and alienating the guests or making the party lame just to emphasize the actual marriage part?
I suggest –Skipping the ‘I want to be a princess. Skipping the ‘its my day-I’ll get what i want’. Skipping the self-centered-bridezilla-circus-of-a-modern-wedding. Seeking balance. Seeking sincerity. Seeking reverence and calm.
I’m just over 150 days from my wedding. That’s what I’m aiming for.
When Keith and I read this article I thought it was a veiled rebuke from him. He assured me that it wasn’t and I believe him. Nonetheless–its a good reminder. There is a lot of tulle flying around out there–its easy to get some in your eyes.
Great post Robyn! Very poingant.
Speaking of wearing a veil though… you ARE still marrying Keith… hmmm.
Weddings are glamorous joyous celebrations so that, when we look back over our long marriages in reverse, they’ll all end beautifully.
Because too many people (especially female) put so much time and energy (and themselves) into The Wedding (TM) that they have nothing left for the marriage afterwards.
Sometimes the divorce comes before the bills for The Wedding (TM) get paid off.
My husband and I got married at the courthouse in shorts and t-shirts, surrounded by just our families. We all went out to dinner afterward then spent a few days in an artsy town nearby, less than 2 hours away from our home. All said and done we spent about $500 total for our wedding, dinner and honeymoon, all paid in cash. For us, our wedding day was really just another day – certainly exciting and life-changing but only a small blip in the radar of our life.
This way of thinking has definitely helped us. We live the way we got married – humbly and frugally, supported by family. So instead of peaking at the wedding and going downhill from there, our marriage only gets better. I think there’s definitely something to Winner’s article. Big, lavish weddings create very unrealistic expectations. They are a waste of financial resources for whomever pays for them. It is one day! Imagine how much 5k or 10k or 15k could do for the couple’s future, or for a charity for that matter. I’d much sooner give my money to a charity of some sort than give it to wedding stores and planners. God desires fiscal responsibility from us. I wonder what he thinks when we spend so much money on 1 day of pleasure and entertainment for ourselves?
Bonnie
http://2cjcproject.com/blog/2